One day a few years back, my daughter was sick, and at some point during the day she asked me to cuddle her. But I told her I didn’t have time – I had to finish some household tasks that had been lingering for far too long.
That night I couldn’t sleep and my mind was spinning. I realized I had essentially told my tender 9 year old that putting away books and moving furniture was more important to me than she was.
I felt terrible.
So when she woke up at 4 a.m. the next morning with a nightmare, I snagged the opportunity to spend quality time with her. I sang to her, snuggled her, and let her stay with me till morning. She was incredibly happy the next day, because quality time with mom was much more valuable than a clean house.
I too value time with her over a clean house, and yet for some reason I chose the tasks over her. I just felt this urgent need to “get stuff done.”
Apparently, that’s because getting stuff done matters to our brains
An article I read in Psychology Today talks about the way our brains reward us with dopamine whenever we achieve goals, whether large or small. The brain doesn’t know or care whether we are playing video games or building bridge. It just recognizes that we have reached our goal and then it floods us with happy hormones.
That sure explains the prevalence of things like video games addictions, or workaholism, or even our inability to get off social media. If we feel like we have accomplished a small task, then we have achieved a goal and our brain has a party.
And my personality is a bit more like this way anyway. I just love to check things off a list! Great days are days when I have several items to do and I finish them all – plus a few others.
But you and I both know that people matter more than tasks.
We care about people in our lives and we want to be there for them. We want to nurture and train our children and be present when a friend is going through a tough time. We want our grandparents to know we love them.
But we put off our people-time, thinking that we will make up for it when we finish “just this one thing.”
And yet, it seems like there is always one more thing to do, one more urgent task to accomplish, and at some point we realize that we have missed a year between visits with our best friend.
How can we love someone if we don’t take the time to know them? How can we expect others to love us if we never give them the chance to understand our hearts?
We can’t. It’s that simple.
So I try to train my brain to see people-time as a goal.
If the brain sees the time spent with another person as a task, it will reward us when we are done just like it does for any other task.
But I do not mean I spend time with people mechanically, without warmth. I mean that I am intentionally relational in my scheduling and interactions.
I try to be aware of how long it has been since I have had quality time with people, I intentionally schedule time with them, and I focus on them when we are together.
It’s a simple, and rather obvious, approach. But it works.
- I plan Starbucks dates with my children – and keep them.
- I make business trips to see colleagues several times a year and then schedule face-time with everyone I can.
- I plan lunches or breakfasts with friends. This might require planning in advance if their schedules are full, but I get on their calendar and I don’t cancel.
And then I put everything else away and focus on the other person.
When I’m programming or writing I have to focus intently, blocking out all distractions. When I am being intentionally relational, I try to do the same thing.
I have found these times with people to be doubly rewarding.
First my brain sees that I have reached the goal of “time spent with person x” and it rewards me with a sense of accomplishment. But secondly and more importantly, the time spent renews the relationship with the other person.
We both leave refreshed, glad for the time spent together and knowing that we know each other just a little better now.
I also schedule gaps
For all that I like to get things done, I also don’t like to be overly busy. I prefer to have time when my only goal is to do whatever comes up at that moment. I probably schedule more and longer gaps than the average parent of school age children, especially those involved with sports. But I have found it to be critical in our home.
I leave gaps every day between dinner and the children’s bedtime. It allows me to choose task-oriented work or family bonding time, depending on what the need is that day.
And I schedule large gaps on the weekend, between appointments, when I can spontaneously connect with friends or family.
These gaps give me breathing room and remind me that life isn’t about a schedule or a checklist. They allow me to quickly reschedule things so that I can invest in a relationship that needs me. For example, just this morning I adjusted my day so I could take my daughters out to breakfast. If I had scheduled my day too tightly, that would not have been possible.
I still struggle with my tendency to prioritize tasks over people. And I still do not have time to really connect with everyone I want to… or as often as I think I should.
But the tasks will be forgotten in a year and the people will not be. So I try to invest my energy in knowing others – delighting in them, encouraging and receiving encouragement, learning and teaching.