I read a lot of self-improvement blogs. I guess technically this would also be considered a self-improvement site.
So today as I read through several recent posts, I was struck by the common themes.
Ideas such as
- Know yourself.
- Love yourself.
- Trust yourself and ignore the naysayers.
- Celebrate your uniqueness.
- Stop trying to please other people.
Those thoughts can be inspiring. They were inspiring enough to be the basis of an entire Disney movie. Remember Moana?
The idea is to know yourself well enough to recognize what you can uniquely contribute to the world, and then have enough confidence to go out and make that contribution without being stopped by critics, well-meaning or otherwise.
Yes, sometimes we need to hear that we DO have a contribution to make. We all go through times of fears that trap us from living life to its fullest. We all have doubts that we are good enough from time to time. And sometimes it is true that those advising us do not know us well enough to guide our steps.
But just listen to those themes again:
- Self-knowledge
- Self-love
- Self-confidence
- Self-improvement
The subtle flaw in self-improvement philosophy today is that its focus on self overlooks the fact that we need each other.
Living life to its fullest is impossible if we live in the tiny world of self.
Humans are communal creatures. We find our purpose and joy in the service and company of others. And as finite creatures who cannot ever fully comprehend ourselves, we need the perspective and advice of others.
We cannot possibly improve if we hear only our own voice.
Wise counsel helps us find our purpose and strengths.
We have a lot of blind spots. It’s easy to believe our own motivations are altruistic when they are actually self-serving. It’s easy to misunderstand our own abilities and think we are excellent at one thing and not good enough in another when the truth is exactly the opposite.
This is where mentors and teachers and trusted, wise friends can help. They can tell us where and how we are making the most impact on people’s lives.
This is not some new revelation. In the Bible, Paul reminded Timothy that he had received his life purpose at the hands of his elders, and then Paul urged him to pursue that calling with vigor and a drive to excellence.
The importance of relying on the wisdom of others for directing our steps is an ancient one. And disregarding it actually holds us back from our full potential.
Community also helps our mood and perspective.
I am an introvert. All that really means is that I need a lot of alone time to recharge my batteries. But if I have too much alone time, I get stuck in my own head and emotions, and that’s when all the doubt and fear creep in.
In those times I have to leave my cherished solitude and spend time with friends and loved ones. This helps me refocus my mental and physical energy on them instead of spending all my energies spinning around with thoughts in my own head. So community can be an instant mood boost for me.
It turns out, that’s pretty normal. Staying locked in our own mind has only two possible outcomes: narcissism or depression.
I have had friends who struggle with depression, some at clinical levels, and the worst possible choice they can make is to lock themselves in their house and wallow in the feelings. While only some require medication, all of them require the company and encouragement of others. All of them need to think about someone else for a while and stop thinking about their own problems.
Thinking about others and receiving encouragement from others changes their perspective, sometimes its enough to jolt them out of the negative cycle. Suddenly, they see opportunities to serve others and they see that they too are being loved and served.
Conversely, I have known narcissistic people who have an inflated sense of their own intelligence and contribution to the world. As a result, they are inordinately pleased with themselves all the time. And they spend their time seeking out those activities they consider themselves to be good at. But instead of making a difference in the lives of others, they are simply annoying people with their self-importance.
When a narcissist notices the contributions others make and hear honest feedback from friends, they can be humbled and start to find a way in which they can serve others. And that’s when their ability to make a real difference in the world starts to happen.
Because our purpose is not self-fulfillment. Our purpose is the service of others
No matter the occupation, the people who are most fulfilled are not those who seek out personal fulfillment, but those who seek out ways to help others.
Creatives, like actors, musicians, and writers seek to provide beauty or inspiration or rest for others. Educators and life coaches aim to help someone grow into better versions of themselves. Service personnel such as food servers or hair stylists or waste management engineers find joy in seeing how their work makes the lives of others more joyful or beautiful or pleasant.
As a software developer, I find the most joy when my work directly impacts the business user, when I can see that my product makes their daily work easier and more accurate.
True self-improvement is about growing in service to others and making a valuable contribution to the society around us.
The flaw in self-improvement philosophy is that if we are seeking out self-importance or self-pleasure, it will be empty. And if we are seeking self-knowledge or are focused on self-love, we will miss the opportunity to know others and see how we can serve them.