Have you ever met someone who seemed genuinely interested in you? Who went beyond the requisite “How are you?” and asked questions that got you talking about yourself in no time?
I have a friend who is quite skilled at this. She intently focuses on the other person, asks questions, and listens to the responses closely.
She then asks follow-up questions which prove she was actually paying attention. Before you know it, you have talked for an hour and haven’t had a chance to ask her anything.
During the whole conversation, she is warm and genuinely interested in you.
This is an incredible skill.
It is also an act of love.
Naturally, we are focused on ourselves.
We care about our own interests, our own feelings, our own children and jobs and hobbies. We are very “me” focused, and it isn’t just a flaw in the current generation.
It’s a basic human trait.
So to focus on another person and their interests, emotions, and activities is truly selfless. It’s an expression of genuine love.
Because listening takes work.
If you were to compliment my friend on her skillful conversation and her interest in other people, she would tell you that it is intentional. She works to be focused on the person in front of her because relationships matter to her.
As a result of her intentional cultivation of relationships, people of all ages trust her and enjoy talking with her. She can make connections with others simply because she listens to them.
But if we don’t ask questions, we signal to others that we don’t care about them.
One summer in college, I spent a lot of time with a family from my church. I had attended church with them for nearly a decade, but I had not really gotten to know them.
One evening at their house, I was washing dishes with the mom, who said something I will never forget.
“I’m so glad I have gotten to know you this summer, Chere’. I thought you were a snob before.”
Ouch.
My self-focused talking and my natural shyness with new people had combined to make me appear self-centered and stuck-up.
I actually care a lot about people. I often notice them, even when I don’t know what to say to them. And when someone does confide in me I listen closely.
So the realization that I was not conducting myself in a way that communicated my concern for other people really hit home.
From that day on I started learning to talk to new people. I also started learning to ask people questions about themselves instead of nervously rambling on about myself.
I’m not very good at it yet, not like my friend. My shyness manifests itself not in silence but in conversational awkwardness.
But still, I continually try to improve in this area because it matters. I want other people to know I care about them, and I want to build genuine relationships.
I have learned that asking questions of other people has many benefits.
Asking questions
- Builds trust
- Makes it easier for people to open up to you
- Helps you know how best to serve them
- Makes the other person feel special and valued
- Teaches you to focus less on your own issues
- Teaches you to see things from a fresh perspective
That’s well worth putting in the effort to change habits.
But you know, asking questions is actually pointless if you don’t listen.
If you cannot remember their answers, you might as well never ask in the first place. If you don’t listen, then you were just pretending to care.
I’m sure you are thinking of some examples from your life right now – I know I am.
And pretense is a fast way to lose trust permanently.
So this is what makes my friend so special. She doesn’t just ask questions, she listens and remembers.
She sets aside her own interests long enough to internalize those of another person and ensure she can recall the details for no other reason except the value she places on that other person.
What an expression of genuine love for others.